just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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