I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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