She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
