oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
