Screwed.edu
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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