I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
