Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
