Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
