Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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