I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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