I think I am morally bankrupt
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
