The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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