Me too!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
