tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
