I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
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Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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