That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
