He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
