Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sorry my hands just texted you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize