New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
