woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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