Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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