I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
