Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize