Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
