Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
