seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize