Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
