It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
