He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
did i just pee glitter
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
