guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
