this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
