he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
