I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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