I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
