i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
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Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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