They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
