the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
