Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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