i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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