so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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