Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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