This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
