so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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