But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
