woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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