I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?