All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.