i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down