just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please, let me fuck your mom
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
