Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that