watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.