i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
