Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.