clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.