your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.