Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Houston, we have a squirter
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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