Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
