I skipped work to stalk him.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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