Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
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And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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